Wednesday, August 12, 2009
GONE...
Time has come and gone like there is no tommorrow. Been home for a hot minute now and things are crazier than hell. Normally i wouldnt write about things like this but this is something i have to set strait for the record. Its been about a two weeks since he left me...he went to vegas to get his papers and come home...he never did. Which yes, i had a play in...when he called me and told me how much fun it was and how he loved being with his family...i already knew where it was headed. And then he mentioned something about working with his uncle, and so i told him if its what was best, then he should stay...i knew he really wanted to...and yes like he said theyre a great support system for him. How could i tell him i wanted him to come bacc when he wanted to be with them...that wouldve been super selfish of me. So i smiled and pretended i was ok...i figured nobody would ask if i looked as happy as they thought i was...so i did...i let everyone believe i was okay, when in reality its eating at me daily. I cant lie...i was super happy with him. I dont remember laughing as much as i did with him. He knew how to break down all the barriers in my world and it was nice to have someone who was willing to love me for me...no judgements, no bullshit. He has the biggest heart and was willing to give me the world. Okay so yes, he doesnt have much going for him, but in reality it was never about that for me. I know he wants to support me...and i know he tries his hardest but it just seems like things are moving really slow at the moment. Hes changed a lot from what i hear...stopped selling whatever it is that he was selling...trying to make something more of himself...and im super happy that he found the happiness he was looking for with his family. I honestly hope hes happy with what hes doing and where hes going in life. Regardless of everything that happens, he'll always have a place in my life for what he helped me learn about myself. Did i love him? yes. Did i want the best for him? yes. But we've agreed to moving on...so im already gone..
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
another blog...
So its been a really long time since my last blog..mostly because i havent had anything really to relieve...until now. Long story short this is how the last few months have been for me...
April and May came and went with me still living in Texas. I held my tongue for as long as i could to try and stand living there. And the first chance i got to get out, i took it...i moved home on June 24th. Yes i finally made my way bacc to the salty lake, where in reality, my ass has always belonged lol. Its a great feeling being bacc here again. Familiar faces, people i love, the ones i know always have my bacc on everything and anything...no more FAKES...well at least no where around me. I no longer have to come home feeling like i want to run away and avoid certain people. Not as much stress goin on in my life...i dont have to worry about walking around people who constantly smile in my face, but then turn around the first chance they get and stab me in the bacc....yuppp feels so amazing to finally be home again. =) Ive moved in with my sister and her family...love them so much for what they do for me. Theyve been a great help these last few weeks trying to figure my life out. Living with my twin is probably the best thing going for me right now...she keeps me grounded and keeps everything on a realistic level with me. Thats all ive really ever wanted...realness..and she brings that out more than anyone i know lol...as we like to say, she has NO filter at ALL hahha...but its greatly appreciated. Everyone needs to hear the truth every now and then...but in my case i hear it daily lol... =)
I turned 18 on the second of this month. I gotta admit, ive waited my whole life to turn 18 and i always expected there to be a whole new feeling of being an adult...haa...not. I dont feel any different than i did last year...besides the fact that i try to avoid getting into trouble becuz i can possibly go to jail now hahah. Nothings really changed i guess. Life still remains the same for me. Still trying to please everyone around me, while trying to please myself at the same time...and i gotta sayy its not the easiest thing to do in the world. My parents have always told me to do what pleases me and nobody else...but then it seems like when i do what pleases me, it upsets everyone around me...ughhh such a complicated situation. But its me. I dont ever like being the person that disappoints the ones around me...so i try constantly to make sure everything i do pleases the ones around me. Ive tried to do it my way, and it seems like it just never works out for me...hoi...so now what?? I have no idea. I guess i juss need tah go to work and keep myy mind off everything else..
So this may sound crazy, but once again i have found myself in a relationship haa...no surprise there right. So then most of you who read this should already know how easy i go thru them. Ill admit im a person who gets tied up in whoever im talking to at the moment, but im also the person that can get really irritated really fast and have no problem saying DEUCE DEUCE when im done with them. Sounds messed up but its true. And then i met Amini. He walked into my life so fast with no hesitations...he picced me up and spun me around and now it seems like my feet will never touch the ground again. A lot of people dont agree with our relationship, seeing as how it hasnt been that long and we're already saying "i love you". But to be perfectly honest, i dont really care what anyone has to say, becuz i know what i feel and you dont. Ive tried to tell my sisters how i feel about him, but it seems like i fail at that every time. There arent words to explain the way i feel when im with him. Granted, okay, hes not as stable as i'd like him to be, but hes trying. Hes changed a lot lately and im proud of him for wanting to make a change in his life and be more...but lately...things are kinda hittin our low. Weve come to the point where were fighting at LEAST four times a day. and its over the stupidest bullshit ever. Like the fact he doesnt like the fact that i think a CELEBRITY is fine...get over it, its never gonna happen anyways..hoi i dont know but sometimes i feel like hes not happy anymore. like hes never satisfied with what we already have. idk...maybe im juss thinkin too much but its how i feel...ughhh...relationships...
April and May came and went with me still living in Texas. I held my tongue for as long as i could to try and stand living there. And the first chance i got to get out, i took it...i moved home on June 24th. Yes i finally made my way bacc to the salty lake, where in reality, my ass has always belonged lol. Its a great feeling being bacc here again. Familiar faces, people i love, the ones i know always have my bacc on everything and anything...no more FAKES...well at least no where around me. I no longer have to come home feeling like i want to run away and avoid certain people. Not as much stress goin on in my life...i dont have to worry about walking around people who constantly smile in my face, but then turn around the first chance they get and stab me in the bacc....yuppp feels so amazing to finally be home again. =) Ive moved in with my sister and her family...love them so much for what they do for me. Theyve been a great help these last few weeks trying to figure my life out. Living with my twin is probably the best thing going for me right now...she keeps me grounded and keeps everything on a realistic level with me. Thats all ive really ever wanted...realness..and she brings that out more than anyone i know lol...as we like to say, she has NO filter at ALL hahha...but its greatly appreciated. Everyone needs to hear the truth every now and then...but in my case i hear it daily lol... =)
I turned 18 on the second of this month. I gotta admit, ive waited my whole life to turn 18 and i always expected there to be a whole new feeling of being an adult...haa...not. I dont feel any different than i did last year...besides the fact that i try to avoid getting into trouble becuz i can possibly go to jail now hahah. Nothings really changed i guess. Life still remains the same for me. Still trying to please everyone around me, while trying to please myself at the same time...and i gotta sayy its not the easiest thing to do in the world. My parents have always told me to do what pleases me and nobody else...but then it seems like when i do what pleases me, it upsets everyone around me...ughhh such a complicated situation. But its me. I dont ever like being the person that disappoints the ones around me...so i try constantly to make sure everything i do pleases the ones around me. Ive tried to do it my way, and it seems like it just never works out for me...hoi...so now what?? I have no idea. I guess i juss need tah go to work and keep myy mind off everything else..
So this may sound crazy, but once again i have found myself in a relationship haa...no surprise there right. So then most of you who read this should already know how easy i go thru them. Ill admit im a person who gets tied up in whoever im talking to at the moment, but im also the person that can get really irritated really fast and have no problem saying DEUCE DEUCE when im done with them. Sounds messed up but its true. And then i met Amini. He walked into my life so fast with no hesitations...he picced me up and spun me around and now it seems like my feet will never touch the ground again. A lot of people dont agree with our relationship, seeing as how it hasnt been that long and we're already saying "i love you". But to be perfectly honest, i dont really care what anyone has to say, becuz i know what i feel and you dont. Ive tried to tell my sisters how i feel about him, but it seems like i fail at that every time. There arent words to explain the way i feel when im with him. Granted, okay, hes not as stable as i'd like him to be, but hes trying. Hes changed a lot lately and im proud of him for wanting to make a change in his life and be more...but lately...things are kinda hittin our low. Weve come to the point where were fighting at LEAST four times a day. and its over the stupidest bullshit ever. Like the fact he doesnt like the fact that i think a CELEBRITY is fine...get over it, its never gonna happen anyways..hoi i dont know but sometimes i feel like hes not happy anymore. like hes never satisfied with what we already have. idk...maybe im juss thinkin too much but its how i feel...ughhh...relationships...
Monday, February 9, 2009
.ANGER AT iTS BEST.
So im sitting here thinkin of all the ways to say FUCC OFF. Im irritated to the point where i just want everyone to leave me the hell alone cuz honestly im not in the mood to talk or do anything. [except for you belle...lol] but honestly i juss want my damn space at the moment and it seems like i can never get it becuz everytime i try to tune someone out they get offended and all of a sudden im the bitch from hell. first off let me just start by saying i was raised by my parents to be who i am...say what i feel no matter what...even if its goin to hurt your feelings and make you cry. get over it. its how ive always been, its how ill always be. i know who i am...no if ands or buts about it..i know who tha hell i am and where the hell im going with my life...DONT TELL ME WHO THE FUCC YOU THINK I AM...cuz honestly ill laugh in your face. if you think you know who i am, you really have no fuccing clue. ive been this person since [07.02.1991] and i dont intend to change that for anyone and anything so stop thinkin i will. its the most annoying thing when people sit here and tell me "this isnt you...youre not that person anymore...thats not you"...what tha hell do you know?? this is MY damn life..i know who the hell i am thank you very much! you didnt get me this far in life so you have no right to voice your opionion asshole. dont come to OUR house and tell me who you think i am and who you think im not...THIS IS ME MUTHAFUCCERR...you dont like it? get the hell on...didnt need you before dont need your ass now. why dont you try to figure out who the hell YOU are before you try to tell me who I am.
second, youre a dumbass...what happened happend and its OVER now...so get the hell over it. ive tried really hard to be as nice about it as possible, which i should be given credit for becuz youre the asshole who screwed it up between us, not ME...but really you need to stop the crying shit and grow some balls and move the fucc on. ok i understand first loves and all, becuz ive been there done that too, and ill admit it was hard to get over...and yeh i cried mahself tah sleep some nights but i didnt go around in public complaining and looking depressed so someone will feel bad for me for long enough for me to explain that BOKOS A BITCH CUZ SHE BROKE MAH HEART...well asshole if you woulda stayed true to your goddamn word then you wouldnt be in the situation youre in now...and to make it all even more annoying then ever, you come here and cry and tell me that god gave you love for me like youve never known before..well thats good for you but god didnt tell me i had to love you. get over it already...its done, ive moved on and really dont intend to ever come bacc to you. im sorry youre in pain, but youre honestly making it so much more worse than it should be. CRY ME A DAMN RIVER, build yourself a diving board and jump into it already.
its funny cuz for the last couple weeks ive been doing a lot of thinking about people and the shit they get into their brains...im not who you want me to, and i never will be...ive learned to live with that. im not always going to accomplish the dreams you have for me...but thats becuz i have dreams of my own. sorry. im not going to continue to try to please anyone anymore. ive sat bacc and done everything everyones wanted me to do becuz it makes life a lot easier, but honestly im to the point where im juss not gonna give a damn about anyones feelings anymore. cuz it seems liek no matter how hard i tried to be there for everyone, lettin people in who didnt deserve to be, i always ended up gettin the short half of it. i fuccing hate that shit. you sit up in mah face and tell me all your secrets and expect me to fuccing help you thru life when you cant even do the same for me. i try to help you when you claim you want to commit suicide...and you turn around and throw all that shit bacc in my face. so i say you wanna claim to do it, then do it...stop fuccin around wit it and do it! otherwise shut the hell up cuz its gettin old. so fucc off. im not giving two shits about you or your feelings. its funny to me that the people who claim to be sooo damn close to me are always the ones who screw me over the first chance they get...well im fuccin sicc of it and i say all of you can fucc the hell off if you dont like me or the life i live. i live for my FAMILY [blood] and [TRUE] friends. which leaves me with my parents, my brothers, belle, karen, my texas [FAMILY] and my chosen tongan [FAMILY]. so to everyone else who seems to be out of that category...fucc you and have a nice day.
second, youre a dumbass...what happened happend and its OVER now...so get the hell over it. ive tried really hard to be as nice about it as possible, which i should be given credit for becuz youre the asshole who screwed it up between us, not ME...but really you need to stop the crying shit and grow some balls and move the fucc on. ok i understand first loves and all, becuz ive been there done that too, and ill admit it was hard to get over...and yeh i cried mahself tah sleep some nights but i didnt go around in public complaining and looking depressed so someone will feel bad for me for long enough for me to explain that BOKOS A BITCH CUZ SHE BROKE MAH HEART...well asshole if you woulda stayed true to your goddamn word then you wouldnt be in the situation youre in now...and to make it all even more annoying then ever, you come here and cry and tell me that god gave you love for me like youve never known before..well thats good for you but god didnt tell me i had to love you. get over it already...its done, ive moved on and really dont intend to ever come bacc to you. im sorry youre in pain, but youre honestly making it so much more worse than it should be. CRY ME A DAMN RIVER, build yourself a diving board and jump into it already.
its funny cuz for the last couple weeks ive been doing a lot of thinking about people and the shit they get into their brains...im not who you want me to, and i never will be...ive learned to live with that. im not always going to accomplish the dreams you have for me...but thats becuz i have dreams of my own. sorry. im not going to continue to try to please anyone anymore. ive sat bacc and done everything everyones wanted me to do becuz it makes life a lot easier, but honestly im to the point where im juss not gonna give a damn about anyones feelings anymore. cuz it seems liek no matter how hard i tried to be there for everyone, lettin people in who didnt deserve to be, i always ended up gettin the short half of it. i fuccing hate that shit. you sit up in mah face and tell me all your secrets and expect me to fuccing help you thru life when you cant even do the same for me. i try to help you when you claim you want to commit suicide...and you turn around and throw all that shit bacc in my face. so i say you wanna claim to do it, then do it...stop fuccin around wit it and do it! otherwise shut the hell up cuz its gettin old. so fucc off. im not giving two shits about you or your feelings. its funny to me that the people who claim to be sooo damn close to me are always the ones who screw me over the first chance they get...well im fuccin sicc of it and i say all of you can fucc the hell off if you dont like me or the life i live. i live for my FAMILY [blood] and [TRUE] friends. which leaves me with my parents, my brothers, belle, karen, my texas [FAMILY] and my chosen tongan [FAMILY]. so to everyone else who seems to be out of that category...fucc you and have a nice day.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
retarded ranting.
hmm, so after reading belles last blog for the third time i figured i juss wanted to do a lil ranting of my own...so this is my random blog lol.
todays been a really bipolar day for me...weird since im not bipolar lol. but its the only word that seems to describe the way i am today. all nite last nite i waited for mom n dad to get here...and finally at 6:30 this morning, they arrived...i was soo happy to see my family again. even tho its only been about two months since they left lol. but im really happy theyre here. im happy theyre finding a new beginning down here and theyre striving for a better life. im so proud of my parents and my brother for takin such a huge step towards making a change...i mean, they up and sold EVERYTHING...well actually i should say GAVE AWAY all their stuff...all the millions of things theyve earned from day one...all to come to texas and try to find a new lifestyle. i know it was really hard for them to see all the hard-earned things they owned go, but it was a sacrifice that'll pay off in the end ;) i love watching them while theyre here and not have to worry about them ever leaving me again...we're finally a family again...well, until belle gets her procrastinating ass to texas lol.
so i was on the phone with belle last nite...and ended up talking to nana girl. im still stucc in shocc right now that the lil girl i left mumbling "la la la la", got on the phone and went "hiyee! i love you. i miss you. STOP BEING A WUSS" lmao completely...but it kills me to know that i missed out on her starting to talk. hopefully wit kamari belle will call me when she says her first word lol. its makes me sad that i cant be there for my sister to help her wit the kiddies. those three are thee cutest samexican babies ever made lol. but it was juss wayy cute to hear her talk. shes growing so fast. boo would be soo shocced to hear her and see her now too. bius baby girl. my memory keeps flashing to the nights those two were always together. he taught her how to tap to NO ONE lol. "a-boo" as nana likes to call him. i can only imagin when he has a daughter...[HEAVY SIGH]...one dayy ;) baby nana mann...she is amazing ;) and baby kamari is forever my lil one lol...after watching her come out of her mother, i think i have a right to call dibbz on her lol. and then theres the verryyyy smart braeden. that kid probably has more useful info in his brain than a lot of belles family ahhahhaa...jp belle dont kill me lol. but you know he does lol. them kids are mah heart and one dayy ill see you guys again...keep driving momma crazy til i get bacc lol. love you guys.
so mom told me today that ill be goin bacc to utah with them nexx week to visit boo. not really sure how thats gonna go but one thing is certain, im going to ball like it was the first time all over again. im actually really interested in what the inside of a real prison looks like. but at the same time im afraid some psycho weirdo is going to stab me while im there. lol. its juss a thought lol. im excited to see tha valley again ;) its good to be in texas but its always better when i get to see mah hometown ;) and hopefully ill get to pay a visit to gmama while im there!! woot woot..
phillip got a haircut. hahaha. dad really needs one. ive gotta dye moms hair sometime this week...well actually both moms lol. alex is in desperate need of a drink so tina let him drink tha wine in tha fridge lmao...that;ll last him about five minutes and he;ll need another one lmao. poor leki...he must be goin crazy with all the sudden changes.
riley and patches are here ;) it took riles a few minutes to recognize me but once he did, he was hooked to my side all over again ;) im soooo happy hes here. he is my sanity. seems like hes the only one i can really talk to right now lol...probably becuz he doesnt talk and becuz when i talk to him, he stares intently like he really gives two shits. lol. see thats what i mean...my feelings are veryy bipolar today. i was soo happy this morning...and then i was angry in the afternoon...and then i was happy again...and then i was annoyed...and then i was happy...and now i feel [depressed]...dont know why but i do and its a hanging feeling. i hate feeling like this. wish i had one of yur happy pills right about now belle. lol. my heart literally feels weak. wtf is happening to my life? im juss sicc...SICC SICC SICC OF YO SHIT lmao...ahhh belle where tha eff are you when i need you to laugh wit me lol. im soo bored...
and i feel like listening to love songs...wtf! lol...maybe this is my hearts way of tellin me to get a life and find a boyfriend who isnt a complete dumbass lol. one day edward cullen will walk into my life and sweep me off mah feet..and take me to his hidden meadow. lmao. oh hell, who am i kidding?? that aint never gonna happen so why do i keep trying to convince myself someone like him exists?? psshh..cuz a nigguh can wish LMAO COMPLETELY...hahaha...okayy so i should probably stop here b4 i write my life story tonite ahhaha...im outt...
todays been a really bipolar day for me...weird since im not bipolar lol. but its the only word that seems to describe the way i am today. all nite last nite i waited for mom n dad to get here...and finally at 6:30 this morning, they arrived...i was soo happy to see my family again. even tho its only been about two months since they left lol. but im really happy theyre here. im happy theyre finding a new beginning down here and theyre striving for a better life. im so proud of my parents and my brother for takin such a huge step towards making a change...i mean, they up and sold EVERYTHING...well actually i should say GAVE AWAY all their stuff...all the millions of things theyve earned from day one...all to come to texas and try to find a new lifestyle. i know it was really hard for them to see all the hard-earned things they owned go, but it was a sacrifice that'll pay off in the end ;) i love watching them while theyre here and not have to worry about them ever leaving me again...we're finally a family again...well, until belle gets her procrastinating ass to texas lol.
so i was on the phone with belle last nite...and ended up talking to nana girl. im still stucc in shocc right now that the lil girl i left mumbling "la la la la", got on the phone and went "hiyee! i love you. i miss you. STOP BEING A WUSS" lmao completely...but it kills me to know that i missed out on her starting to talk. hopefully wit kamari belle will call me when she says her first word lol. its makes me sad that i cant be there for my sister to help her wit the kiddies. those three are thee cutest samexican babies ever made lol. but it was juss wayy cute to hear her talk. shes growing so fast. boo would be soo shocced to hear her and see her now too. bius baby girl. my memory keeps flashing to the nights those two were always together. he taught her how to tap to NO ONE lol. "a-boo" as nana likes to call him. i can only imagin when he has a daughter...[HEAVY SIGH]...one dayy ;) baby nana mann...she is amazing ;) and baby kamari is forever my lil one lol...after watching her come out of her mother, i think i have a right to call dibbz on her lol. and then theres the verryyyy smart braeden. that kid probably has more useful info in his brain than a lot of belles family ahhahhaa...jp belle dont kill me lol. but you know he does lol. them kids are mah heart and one dayy ill see you guys again...keep driving momma crazy til i get bacc lol. love you guys.
so mom told me today that ill be goin bacc to utah with them nexx week to visit boo. not really sure how thats gonna go but one thing is certain, im going to ball like it was the first time all over again. im actually really interested in what the inside of a real prison looks like. but at the same time im afraid some psycho weirdo is going to stab me while im there. lol. its juss a thought lol. im excited to see tha valley again ;) its good to be in texas but its always better when i get to see mah hometown ;) and hopefully ill get to pay a visit to gmama while im there!! woot woot..
phillip got a haircut. hahaha. dad really needs one. ive gotta dye moms hair sometime this week...well actually both moms lol. alex is in desperate need of a drink so tina let him drink tha wine in tha fridge lmao...that;ll last him about five minutes and he;ll need another one lmao. poor leki...he must be goin crazy with all the sudden changes.
riley and patches are here ;) it took riles a few minutes to recognize me but once he did, he was hooked to my side all over again ;) im soooo happy hes here. he is my sanity. seems like hes the only one i can really talk to right now lol...probably becuz he doesnt talk and becuz when i talk to him, he stares intently like he really gives two shits. lol. see thats what i mean...my feelings are veryy bipolar today. i was soo happy this morning...and then i was angry in the afternoon...and then i was happy again...and then i was annoyed...and then i was happy...and now i feel [depressed]...dont know why but i do and its a hanging feeling. i hate feeling like this. wish i had one of yur happy pills right about now belle. lol. my heart literally feels weak. wtf is happening to my life? im juss sicc...SICC SICC SICC OF YO SHIT lmao...ahhh belle where tha eff are you when i need you to laugh wit me lol. im soo bored...
and i feel like listening to love songs...wtf! lol...maybe this is my hearts way of tellin me to get a life and find a boyfriend who isnt a complete dumbass lol. one day edward cullen will walk into my life and sweep me off mah feet..and take me to his hidden meadow. lmao. oh hell, who am i kidding?? that aint never gonna happen so why do i keep trying to convince myself someone like him exists?? psshh..cuz a nigguh can wish LMAO COMPLETELY...hahaha...okayy so i should probably stop here b4 i write my life story tonite ahhaha...im outt...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
welcome to 2009.
well, its finally here. the new beginning most of us have been waiting for...a new year, new goals, new start. tonight will start the brand new adventure of 2009...whats coming? we have NO idea but im hoping its going to be a LOT better than 2008. im soo happy its over. im gonna go bacc to my memory bank and erase the year completely becuz its just one of those i choose not to ever remember again. so i finally got a letter from boo this week...i was too excited. the more i hear from him the more i smile bcuz it makes me too happy to know my older brother has finally come to peace with himself. mom tells me he wrote a letter to uncle biu, FORGIVING him...all i can say is my brother is a very strong person for being able to forgive him for what hes done to him. but again, it proves that my brothers found some kind of new peace...hes brought himself to a place where he no longer holds the hate that some of the rest of us still do. i dont know if i can forgive my uncle for what hes done...but at the same time maybe i can, becuz its helped my brother find missing pieces to himself...sure he couldve done that on the outside of the walls but, this is the situation we face now and if my brother has the strength to find forgiveness in all the struggles he faces, maybe i can too. godd my brother is a great kid...a lot better than me. so he made a mistake..who hasnt?? im juss proud that hes making the best of his situation cuz we all know prison life is the farthest thing from easy. anyways, at the end of boo's letter he told me i need to start setting new goals to make this new year a great one...writing them down, he says, helps me pursue them more than if i were to juss store them in my brain. hmm...i cant imagine how this year is going to be..so many unanswered questions i have but i guess all i can do is ride out the year, one day at a time and juss hope it all turns out for the better. so in the spirit of new years 2009 i figured what other place is better to keep my new goals than here?? lol...sooo my list begins...
1. So ive come to notice that i am a very...aggressive person lol...and i noticed that i also say a lot of mean things that are probably unnecessary...so for my first goal of 2009, im going to try to be a more sensitive person with peoples feelings lmao...main word TRYYY...lol.
2. Ive been slaccing on my brothers and sarahs letters...so number 2, i gotta start sending out a letter a week...no exceptions.
3. First semester of school is starting soon...yyaayy!! im soo excited so my 3rd goal is to keep my mind focused on school and never giving up despite how hard college may be..gotta sticc with it and never look bacc...its only gonna do me good.
4. Have to maintain positive relationships with the people im closest to. People came and went from me in 2008 and im not gonna let that happen to me again this year..i lost good people becuz of stupid shyet i chose to do. so its all gonna change this year.
thats about as far as i got with my list so far...hopefully i can loose some weight while im at it becuz i need to get to 120 and ill be GOLDEN ;) who knows what this years gonna hold, but as for me..im gonna try to remain positive and keep focused on what i really need to be concentrating on, instead of gettin sidetracced like normal lmao. well, i guess this is the last blog for the year soo..incase i forget...HAPPY NEW YEARS!! make it a great one if you can!! LOVE YU ALL TOO MUCH ;)
1. So ive come to notice that i am a very...aggressive person lol...and i noticed that i also say a lot of mean things that are probably unnecessary...so for my first goal of 2009, im going to try to be a more sensitive person with peoples feelings lmao...main word TRYYY...lol.
2. Ive been slaccing on my brothers and sarahs letters...so number 2, i gotta start sending out a letter a week...no exceptions.
3. First semester of school is starting soon...yyaayy!! im soo excited so my 3rd goal is to keep my mind focused on school and never giving up despite how hard college may be..gotta sticc with it and never look bacc...its only gonna do me good.
4. Have to maintain positive relationships with the people im closest to. People came and went from me in 2008 and im not gonna let that happen to me again this year..i lost good people becuz of stupid shyet i chose to do. so its all gonna change this year.
thats about as far as i got with my list so far...hopefully i can loose some weight while im at it becuz i need to get to 120 and ill be GOLDEN ;) who knows what this years gonna hold, but as for me..im gonna try to remain positive and keep focused on what i really need to be concentrating on, instead of gettin sidetracced like normal lmao. well, i guess this is the last blog for the year soo..incase i forget...HAPPY NEW YEARS!! make it a great one if you can!! LOVE YU ALL TOO MUCH ;)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
holy eff.
good title from where i stand becuz this blog is going to be kinda crazy..theres so many things i need to talk about..so try to bare with me. so i juss finished reading belles blog..verryy touching. that girl amazes me so much. she is like the energizer bunny...she juss keeps going and going..and going..no matter what comes flying her way. and thru it all she keeps that smile on her face, whether its real or not..shes always the one holding it together when the rest of us cant. belle, if youre reading this, which you most likely are, lol..i meant it when i told you that youre a VERY strong person. youre right belle, weve been thru hell and bacc, both seperately and together. and weve managed to make it this far..but i admire you for the strength you continue to find with all tha crazy shit going on in your life. you deal with marital problems, work exhausting hours at work, raise three BEAUTIFUL kids, and manage to help tha rest of us in between all that hectic stuff goin on in your life...that to me portrays a very strong willed woman. its okay to cry sis...it releases the inner pain that no longer needs to be stored inside. we cry for biu, we cry for millions of other reasons, but its only doing good for ourselves. you are an AMAZING woman and i cant stress that enough. i love you more than words could ever tell you...without you i dont think id be the person i am today becuz you constantly pushed me to greater strengths and as much as i want to be juss like you, you continue to tell me NOT to be like you...thats my example of a humble heart. you dont need to change for anyone for anything. you are the person you are and i love you for it. i love you much ;)
on the second note, today is officially christmas eve. UGH is the only description for it i can give. im excited but at the same time, im not ready for it. becuz i know that at the end of it all, all the happiness and joy will turn into pain and tears. you already know from my last blog that im struggling with not having biu around for the holidays. its even worse now. the picture above is the card he HANDMADE and drew himself. quite the artist right?? he signed it in the corner so we know its an original lol. god i miss that kid. christmas so isnt right for me this year. i feel like a huge chunk of me is missing and i would do anything to get it bacc. but i continue to pray and do what needs to be done until that time is right...til he comes home again. mom told me the other day "good that youre singing for church, keep it up and maybe one day youll sound like boo"...no mom, that wont ever happen. he set the bar too high. lol. but one thing you can be sure on, this christmas, im gonna be on mah knees thanking god hes still around. i love you big bro ;)
okay so for our christmas program daniel put together a skit called IF TOMMORROW NEVER COMES...in a nut shell, its about accepting tha lord in order to save your soul..becuz tomorrow is never promised so weve got to appreciate and accept all the things we face today...so in this skit, theres a soldier who deploys to iraq...long story short, he never makes it home. as we're acting out the funeral, i look down at the cascet and cant help but want to break down and cry. a million thoughts run thru mah brain and the pain begins to build. i started to wonder...do i take things these days for granted?? and it all goes bacc to how biu told me in his first letters to me how much he took the little things for granted and that if he had the chance to go bacc and do things over, he'd appreciate everything a lot more. so now i sit here and wonder...why do we take this thing called TIME so lightly?? we think we have all the time in the world, when in reality, we dont know how much longer we'll be around. not that im trying to kill us all off or nothing, cuz god knows thats the LAST thing i want to do. but in all honesty, i sit here and think...whats going to happen to all my family bacc home? are they goin to make it thru another day? what about grandma? or my parents? or alex? or worse what if something happens to biu?? not the greatest of thoughts but everything for me has been put into perspective that we as humans underestimate the true value of life...of TIME. so as for me, im starting to take into consideration all the little things and big things and gonna be genuinly grateful for them...becuz who knows if tomorrow ever comes...
all these thoughts have been piling into mah head and mah heart and i had to let it out one way or the other. i think chris is right, i need to see a therapist becuz the problems i have, i cant solve alone. but i dont know if i really wanna trust a stranger with my life story. hmm...things to think about..until nexx time...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
.MERRy EFFiNG CHRiSTMAS 2008.
So 2008 has come and gone. thank god its over. 2008 has been the worst year ever created. it started out good..for the first month, and then tha rest of the year went to hell. yeh the last couple months have been a lil bit better but this year still was a huge bust...besides the whole me graduating and changing thing. other than those two things nothing good really came out of this year. it seems like a waste of a year. friendships fell apart, hearts were broken, tears were shed CONSTANTLY, we lost people we were closest to, and pain came easier to us than happiness. our family gave up on christmas about two years ago...no christmas tree, no more gifts, it became just another day. but then i got here and aunty and them are all into the whole christmas things...put the tree up, decorated it, bought gifts, wrapped em, hung stoccings ect. but for me, its one of the hardest years to deal wit christmas...
this year in march of 2008, my family took a huge blow. my older brother is now serving time at the utah state prison and its made this year a reality to all of us. the littlest things we chose not to acknowlege before seems to be the things we notice most now. like the fact that we told our parents we were too old for christmas, we didnt want a tree or presents. but now, im about a week away from christmas and it breaks my heart to know my brother isnt gonna be here for it. my parents were here for thanksgiving and that night we had put up the christmas tree. everyone was having a really good time laughing, and talking..until aunty said "LAINA, COME PUT UP AN ANGEL WING FOR BIU"...and at that moment, it kind of hit our family that this was real and he really wasnt here. mom cried, leki cried, i cried...juss to come to realization that he isnt here to laugh and make fun of our tree..or to sing with us. we all heard his laugh that night. now every day, i look at that specific wing on the tree, imagining what he would say if he were to see it. this christmas season, i only want ONE thing and one thing only...for god to bless my brother. to give him the strength he needs to make it thru this holiday..for him to be warm and safe...for him to be comforted. i think tha majority of the pain is because this is our first year and we dont exactly know how to deal with it yet..im sure it'll be better for nexx year, but as for now...we stay hurtin.
thanksgiving was bad enough witout him. and now christmas. and then new years. and then his birthday. ugh. when does the pain end?? anyways i wrote this poem for mah brother...
this year in march of 2008, my family took a huge blow. my older brother is now serving time at the utah state prison and its made this year a reality to all of us. the littlest things we chose not to acknowlege before seems to be the things we notice most now. like the fact that we told our parents we were too old for christmas, we didnt want a tree or presents. but now, im about a week away from christmas and it breaks my heart to know my brother isnt gonna be here for it. my parents were here for thanksgiving and that night we had put up the christmas tree. everyone was having a really good time laughing, and talking..until aunty said "LAINA, COME PUT UP AN ANGEL WING FOR BIU"...and at that moment, it kind of hit our family that this was real and he really wasnt here. mom cried, leki cried, i cried...juss to come to realization that he isnt here to laugh and make fun of our tree..or to sing with us. we all heard his laugh that night. now every day, i look at that specific wing on the tree, imagining what he would say if he were to see it. this christmas season, i only want ONE thing and one thing only...for god to bless my brother. to give him the strength he needs to make it thru this holiday..for him to be warm and safe...for him to be comforted. i think tha majority of the pain is because this is our first year and we dont exactly know how to deal with it yet..im sure it'll be better for nexx year, but as for now...we stay hurtin.
thanksgiving was bad enough witout him. and now christmas. and then new years. and then his birthday. ugh. when does the pain end?? anyways i wrote this poem for mah brother...
.A SISTERS PRAYER.
Dear God,
hear my plea
this prayer is for someone
who means the world to me.
He's in a place
where he is alone,
no family, no friends
no visits, no phone.
We cant be there
So i lift him to you,
for you to give him strength
and show him what to do.
Father keep him warm
give him what he needs,
to become what you want,
to continue to succeed.
Only you know his pain
only you see his tears,
comfort him father
relieve him of his fears.
Bring him home
bring him to me,
make sure he knows
just how much he means.
Tell him i love him
tell him i care,
tell him i miss him daily
and i wish i was there.
You know him by name
you know why i pray,
you know what im thinking
and the words i cant say.
You know who this is for
glory all goes bacc to you,
for giving me a brother
as wonderful as Biu.
Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
